Roommate Relationships: What Makes Them Unique
If you’re lucky the best friends you’ll ever have will be those you share a home with.
Read time: 8 minutes
Roommate is an interesting term with a variable connotation depending on who you ask. Some of us interpret that word as one that describes an acquaintance of convenience. Someone who entered your life through happenstance and who left it just as easily. Others find that word calling up past traumas. Nightmare experiences with flashes of dirty dishes, passive aggressive conversation, and awkward “are you almost done with the shower” lines that bring up times when the house was most certainly not a home.
For me, the term brings memories of some of my favorite experiences and my deepest friendships. Friendships that grew strong as a result of a shared environment that I can’t imagine developing any other way. This word brings to mind all of those times I was figuring out my life with someone at the same stage as me. We were in it together and I think because of that it is hard for me to separate a lot of my own development from that of my friendships with the people I’ve lived with since shipping off for college.
I think this is more than coincidence as well. I truly believe that you can only get to know someone so well without either living or spending an inordinate amount of time sharing a home with them. When you see someone by choice and that is the only time that you see them you are getting the filtered version of their personality. When they can decide whether or not to see you they can shield elements of their personality from you and create a persona that may or may not be fully honest. Roommates don’t have that choice. After a certain amount of time I firmly believe you can’t put on a face in your home. It would never feel comfortable and eventually you would grow exhausted. Whether intentional or not your roommates get exposed to the most intimate most authentic version of you. This creates the fertile soil out of which a truly deep relationship can grow.
A necessary caveat
No, not all roommate friendships blossom into some special and unique bond that grows over the years. Sometimes you live with someone out of convenience or requirement and it just doesn’t work. Those situations are tough and undesirable but they do happen. I won’t be talking about those situations in this piece.
What I’m talking about is the type of roommate arrangement that fosters a deep connection with someone with who you build a lifelong bond as a result of the unique situation of living with them. This person becomes ingrained in your life and experiences periods of growth with you as you figure out this whole growing up thing. I have been lucky to experience almost exclusively these types of roommate relationships and its those that have turned strangers and new friends alike into some of the people I would consider closest to me. Those are the roommates I’m interested in discussing.
What makes a roommate relationship different?
The biggest factor that separates your friends from your roommate-friends is forced proximity, AKA socializing by default. As roommates, you spend an extensive amount of time together, whether you choose to or not. This forced interaction provides a unique opportunity to get to know someone more deeply. There are many people in our lives who, given enough time, could become our closest friends. Being roommates ensures that you have that chance.
The only other groups of people you see whether you want to or not are classmates and colleagues. What sets roommates apart from these two groups is that when at home, you don't have another activity that demands your full attention. In class or at work, you spend time with people, but your focus is divided. This purpose behind the time spent together in other settings provides a context for building relationships, but it may not allow for the open-ended hangouts that foster true authentic interaction and deep connection.
The environment in which roommate relationships are formed is characterized by a lot of forced interaction time without a specific purpose. This creates fertile ground from which close bonds can develop.
All other unique aspects of a roommate relationship stem from these two factors. The time spent cooking, buying things for the shared space, doing chores together, working out together, and socializing together all arise from this default mode of socializing ingrained in roommate dynamics.
With this shared time, you gain a special view into how your roommate is continuously growing and evolving. Unlike friends you see sporadically, roommates witness changes in you on a continuum. Those who get a behind-the-scenes view of your life will ultimately know you better than those who receive periodic updates.
Assuming you have enough common ground with your roommate to be friends outside of your living arrangement, the roommate setup offers an abundance of time to build a deep and lasting bond. This bond is ripe with shared experiences and personal knowledge, hallmarks of close friendships.
Why I’ve gotten so close with my roommates
What I've realized from living with other people is that no matter how hard I try, eventually I have to act like my true self while at home. While it's natural to initially put on a front when getting to know new housemates, that level of effort is unsustainable, and we ultimately regress into the most authentic versions of ourselves. Unlike at work, where we may put on a professional face, it's impossible to maintain a different identity while we're home.
As a result, when I'm at home, I am closest to the "true" version of myself, whatever that may be. This creates opportunities for authentic interactions with roommates that don't happen nearly as frequently elsewhere in life.
When the most authentic versions of ourselves interact with one another extensively, we naturally grow close. No one knows us quite like our roommates do. This closeness often manifests in the "in-between moments" that we share with roommates.
In-between moments are those shared times that exist "in-between" the significant events of the day. They could be as simple as eating breakfast or having coffee before work, the time after coming home and before going out to dinner, or the conversations that happen after brushing teeth and before going to bed. While seemingly small, these moments accumulate over time and lead to some of the most interesting and meaningful conversations. Countless times, I've found myself staying up late, engrossed in chats with my roommates about our day, jobs, upcoming trips, or even regular gossip about our respective networks. These small interactions, when multiplied, form a stronger foundation for friendship than a few extraordinary shared experiences.
If paired with the right person, the roommate experience becomes a virtuous cycle. The need to be more authentic at home avoids exhausting ourselves with facades, leading to increased comfort with our roommates. This increased comfort fosters personal conversations, further strengthening the bond. As we become more comfortable, we engage in shared experiences, deepening the connection. This cycle continues, creating more comfort, more shared experiences, and ultimately strengthening the bond.
Living with your significant other
The other key roommate relationship that everyone eventually experiences is living with a significant other. While this may cause stress for some people, particularly those hesitant to let go of optionality before committing to a lifelong partnership, I believe it to be one of the most powerful and positive changes you can make, assuming you're ready.
Aside from resolving the logistical headaches of coordinating between two separate households, living with a significant other provides you with more quality time together. Surprisingly, it also offers each individual in the couple more freedom. When the default is spending time with them in the shared home, it becomes easier to plan small outings with friends and incorporate activities into your schedule.
But more importantly, living with your significant other before making a legal commitment is crucial. It allows you to truly understand who they are at their core and provides everyone involved with peace of mind as they enter into a legally binding union. Just as you think you know your friends before living with them, it's possible to have a relationship with someone where you only know a limited part of them before sharing a home.
Living together exposes you to your partner on both their good days and bad days. You witness them at their highest highs and lowest lows. This level of intimacy ensures that you have a genuine understanding of who they are, and it provides invaluable time for getting to know one another.
Additionally, living with your significant other means you get to experience all the precious in-between time together. The accumulation of these shared moments deepens the friendship between you and creates a strong foundation for a lasting relationship, hopefully for the rest of your lives.
Of course, living with your significant other can come with challenges. Many couples are forced to improve how they resolve conflicts as they can't simply leave and cool off after an argument. Furthermore, some people admit that the learning curve of adjusting to another person’s routines can take some time getting used to. I have been lucky to have a seamless entry into the living with my girlfriend but its worth noting that not everyone’s experience is that smooth. No matter the possible challenges the pros far and away outweigh the cons and living with your SO is likely going to be the best decision you’ll ever make.
You get out what you put in
Living with someone new brings with it a multitude of possibilities. In my experience, it offers a chance to forge one of the most durable and profound connections with another person. While many of my readers may have already gone through the experience of living with someone new, I encourage everyone to pause and truly appreciate the gift that is sharing a living space with another individual, whether they are friends or romantic partners. Reflect on the uniqueness of these relationships and the potential they hold when given the attention and effort they deserve. If you have a roommate story (either good or bad) send me a note. I’d love to hear about it.
Do you wanna go do Karate in the garage?