Read time: ~11 minutes
I just got back from a long weekend trip to New York and I have some thoughts. Some thoughts on New York as a whole (I love the city but feel no desire to move back) and some other thoughts on how we structure the geography of our lives and what I assume most of us are missing in each of our home cities.
Some Pain Points From the Weekend
I went to New York without much of an itinerary. We had a show on Saturday night and one or two meals planned but outside of that, I was most excited to hang out in the city and catch up with a bunch of people that I hadn’t seen for a while. This kind of unstructured hang-out time is always a challenge to fill in New York. What makes it so hard is that there are few places that enable a low-cost, unlimited attendee, comfortable experience. This is an issue I identified during my time living there as everyone I know who lives in New York is subject to the generally tiny apartment and high rent of life in the Big Apple. This means that hanging out at someone’s house is a capacity-limited endeavor and requires no small amount of planning to build the invite list. Drink prices in New York are notoriously high and if you’re going to sit somewhere for an extended period of time, the workers of bars and coffee shops would really prefer you to keep spending money for your entire stay. Parks are great but hanging out in them is always subject to the weather (which during our stay was a little temperamental but overall pretty good). All of this is to say that finding a place that was casual, had seating, was not too expensive, and was not subject to the weather was quite a hassle. It reminded me of the struggles I have planning a place to meet up with an indeterminate amount of friends and also woke me up to the fact that I don’t have a good option that satisfies this need in Los Angeles where I currently live.
This return to my former hometown and the difficulties finding a place for all my friends to hang out made me think about the concept of a Third Place and its potential value for anyone living in any city, but particularly relevant for New York where home square footage comes at a premium and with few exceptions you are spending money every time you walk outside.
What are the first two places?
Because we all think best chronologically (or at least I do and I’m the one doing the writing), I want to work through the first two places and then arrive at the third to provide a full picture of the geography of our lives.
The First Place is your home. Described as private, domestic, and somewhere you live. This is where you wake up in the morning and go to sleep at the end of the night. It doesn’t matter if it is a 200 square foot studio apartment or a 3000 square foot mansion in the suburbs your First Place is home base. You are all familiar with this as I know all of you readers have one of these, so I won’t spend any more time discussing it.
The Second Place is your place of work. This is a structured social environment that has a specific purpose in your life. You spend most of your life here (or at least you did pre-pandemic) and often this place is not so much of a choice as it is an amenable compromise based on the myriad of factors that influence the decision to accept a job.
It is worth noting that during the pandemic and subsequent advent of ubiquitous remote work (for the laptop class at least) the First and Second places have begun to blend together. More and more of us are working where we live and living where we work. This is doubly true if you do happen to live in a studio apartment which would mean that just about every waking and sleeping hour of your day will be spent in the exact same location. If that sounds likely to cause depressive episodes, that’s because it does. And gives even more credence to the idea that we all need a Third Place to visit to retain our sanity and sense of wellbeing.
What is a Third Place?
In his book “The Great Good Place” Ray Oldenberg talks about what a Third Place is and argues that they are not only inherently valuable but also important for civil society, democracy, civic engagement, and establishing feelings of a sense of place. These are inarguably important features of any modern city, but if this is the first time you are hearing of the term “Third Place” you must ask yourself why? And also, is it actually that valuable? How do you find one?
In short, a Third Place is a place that is not your home or place of work where you go to maintain casual social connections. In his book, Oldenberg lists 8 characteristics of a Third Place that I’ll list below so you can see the characteristics of these locations from the horse’s mouth.
Characteristics of a Third Place
Neutral ground
Occupants of third places have little to no obligation to be there. They are not tied down to the area financially, politically, legally, or otherwise and are free to come and go as they please.
Leveler (a leveling place)
Third places put no importance on an individual's status in a society. One's socioeconomic status does not matter in a third place, allowing for a sense of commonality among its occupants. There are no prerequisites or requirements that would prevent acceptance or participation in the third place.
Conversation is the main activity
Playful and happy conversation is the main focus of activity in third places, although it is not required to be the only activity. The tone of conversation is usually light-hearted and humorous; wit and good-natured playfulness are highly valued.
Accessibility and accommodation
Third places must be open and readily accessible to those who occupy them. They must also be accommodating, meaning they provide for the wants of their inhabitants, and all occupants feel their needs have been fulfilled.
The regulars
Third places harbor a number of regulars that help give the space its tone, and help set the mood and characteristics of the area. Regulars to third places also attract newcomers, and are there to help someone new to the space feel welcome and accommodated.
A low profile
Third places are characteristically wholesome. The inside of a third place is without extravagance or grandiosity, and has a homely feel. Third places are never snobby or pretentious, and are accepting of all types of individuals, from various different walks of life.
The mood is playful
The tone of conversation in third places is never marked with tension or hostility. Instead, third places have a playful nature, where witty conversation and frivolous banter are not only common, but highly valued.
A home away from home
Occupants of third places will often have the same feelings of warmth, possession, and belonging as they would in their own homes. They feel a piece of themselves is rooted in the space, and gain spiritual regeneration by spending time there.
Essentially, a Third Place is somewhere you would go to see people without having to deal with significant effort spent on scheduling and coordinating such a hangout. Off the top of your head, you may have an idea of what this would look like but for some concrete examples, we can turn to American Sitcoms which have given plenty of perfect representations of these locations. Famously, Third Places are those like Central Perk from Friends, the diner in Seinfeld, and the bar in How I Met Your Mother. They serve as a meeting spot for a group of people that is reliable and doesn’t need to be planned around. Sort of a default option when you want to hang out somewhere that is not your home and don’t want the cognitive load of picking a place or finding somewhere new. Outside of the fictional world, a real-life example of this type of location is the Golf Course that my dad is a member of. While there is a cost to joining and keeping membership, which isn’t totally in line with the ethos of Oldenberg’s description, once you join everyone is on a level playing field and status no longer matters. It’s a place where people go to hang out even if there aren’t specific plans and there are plenty of regulars to make it worth the effort whenever my dad does go. SoHo House is seeking to do this for Millennials and if you can afford it, I imagine it does a pretty good job of achieving its goal.
Interestingly enough, the sitcoms I mentioned also do a good job of highlighting the benefits of this type of location. They foster social connections in a friendly and neutral atmosphere that gives its inhabitants an escape from where they have to go (your office) and where they live. These are places where you see people you know, bring new people to introduce them to the group, and on the whole facilitate the type of lightweight social interactions that are so crucial to maintaining a social network.
This matters because we all occupy in the first two places whether we like it or not. We have no agency over their requirement in our lives but they don’t fulfill all of our social needs, even for the most introverted among us. We need another place that doesn’t cause additional cognitive work and allows us to pursue casual social relationships in a non-threatening environment. This is where the Third Place comes in and that is why it matters.
Given all of these requirements, you would think it would be straightforward to narrow down a few locations close to you to select one for you and your group of friends, but as it turns out this is much easier said than done.
Why is Finding a Third Place Challenging?
First of all, picking a location that satisfies any list with 8 criteria is no simple feat. That’s a rather long list of items to check off to remain fully compliant. That is only where the problems begin. Let’s say you do find a place that matches all criteria, you would then have to build enough momentum to ensure adoption with your friend group to make this location the default Third Place such that everyone is able to extract the value of such a location. As someone who has planned plenty of trips with an actual purpose, this seems to be one of the larger hurdles in establishing a place like this.
How Would I Go About Establishing a Third Place?
The Sitcoms I’ve mentioned above provide a good jumping-off point for what to look for in a Third Place and because I don’t have one, that is likely how I would start looking. I live in Venice, LA, and I think accessibility would be one of the biggest features of a successful Third Place. I would likely start by searching for cheap bars, coffee shops open late, and even parks that are accessible both to me and those coming from neighborhoods that aren’t my own. My goal would be to find something that is cheap, has plenty of seating, extended hours, and isn’t overly crowded. A dive bar with a good patio would be perfect. As would a coffee shop with a large outdoor seating area. Even the grass patch near my house would probably suffice, although it lacks seating and refreshments so that would be a less-preferable option.
Once I had a location picked out, let’s say a dive bar with good patio seating, I would have to figure out a way to get people to show up. Establishing a place from scratch seems difficult but there is a great quote that somewhat captures how I would think about this:
Decisions are made by those who show up
It is my firm belief that if you start showing up and making a point to build this relationship with a location, then the higher chance you have of success. No matter where you pick if you get a couple of friends to show up with some kind of consistency and inform others about your new go-to hang-out spot, you will naturally gain traction. The more you show up, the more your friends will come to hang out with you. This means more reason for others to come and thus the virtuous cycle begins. Slowly but surely you can get to a place where it can thrive without your constant presence and planning.
As I write this out it, this seems like no small amount of work, but if you plan on living somewhere for a number of years and really want to make some part of your social life automated, it feels like the juice would be worth the squeeze. I say this as someone who doesn’t have one of these places but who is interested in building one for my group of friends in LA.
If any of you guys start trying to set this up in your city (or even better if you are doing it in LA) let me know how it’s going and anything you think I should consider as I embark on my own journey. I’ll publish a follow-up in a few months to update you all on everything that I’ve learned.
The funny thing about my third place, is that it's in my head.